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Ivy Endorses Tim Gunn for Presidential Bid

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 18:40:03 -0500

What do you mean he’s not running? I beg to differ. I recently received word that in response to fans across the country who are inspired by his couture and dissatisfied with the current line-up of candidates, Tim Gunn has set up a Presidential exploratory committee. And why wouldn’t he? His experience ranges from academia to the business world, from the runways of Paris to Fashion Week in New York. His campaign slogan will be Make it Work, America!

And if he’s not planning to run, then I nominate him anyway. As his running mate, I would suggest Kimora Lee Simmons, former model, CEO of Baby Phat designs, author of Fabulosity, star of Life in the Fab Lane, and wife of rap producer Russell Simmons. Together they will negate the effects of decades of dowdiness at the White House. Now that’s the kind of change I’m looking for.

Incidentally, I hereby announce that I am carrying the love child of Tim Gunn. I know you thought he was gay, but that’s what will make the photos of our baby worth even more to the tabloid magazines! People, Us, Star, how much will you offer? Email me!

Ivy Challenges Gayle King to Wrestling Match

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:45:31 -0500

After a great deal of meditation, prayer, and consultation with world-renowned spiritual leaders (as well as Lou, my personal trainer), I submit to you this announcement:

I, Ivy Little Podolnik, hereby challenge Gayle King to a wrestling match to win the “best friendship” of Oprah. Many of you know my long-time admiration for O. I know no one else who looks as radiant, well-dressed, and deeply contemplative on the cover of her eponymous magazine month after month, year after year. As far as female talk show host-publisher-teacher-entrepreneur-philanthropist-Oscar winners go, she is one of -- if not the -- best dressed.

What I’m saying here is, Oprah, if you’re reading this, I would like to be your best friend. Nothing against Gayle or anything. But I think you would find me a bright conversationalist who is poised to take on a talk show of her own, as well as a skin care line, and perhaps a pet accessory business. If I win, I can easily make a humble home of the East wing of your Sausalito house. I look forward to our nights around your 40-foot fireplace with solid gold mantle, waxing about alleviating global poverty as we choose a color scheme for my new office.
Yours truly,
Ivy

Pets as Fashion Accessories

Mon, 7 Jan 2008 12:18:29 -0500

I understand that breeders are now crossing dogs of all sorts -- dachsounds with great danes, dalmations with pekignese and the like -- all to satisfy bored consumers who want to alter the course of nature by forcing copulation between canines of wildly different sizes and builds -- animals that have no business sniffing each others' private parts.

It seems that people are using their pets as accessories, or a means to make themselves look trendy while strolling through an L.A. park or sauntering down a Manhattan sidewalk.

The concern is -- why didn't I think of this before? Why shouldn't our companion animals (PETA doesn't like us to call them pets anymore) promote our fashion sensibilities and help to show off our best features? I plan to create a new service for helping you select the right animal to make you thighs look slimmer, your eyes bluer -- or even to de-emphasize a limp or a ruddy complexion.

This service will not be limited to dogs and cats alone. Why shouldn't animals in captivity be freed from captivity and loaned out, rented, or sold to consumers who desire a specific look or image? How cute would you look with a baby panda in your Bjorn? What about an owl on your shoulder? I have always thought that Himalayan cats would make lovely scarves. And garter snakes can easily be used as leg warmers.

The new service will be called Pets as Accessories or Accessoritizing with Pets -- I have to check the trademarks.

Please write in and let me know whether this might be a service you would find useful. Include a list of favorite animal prints and problem areas (puffy eyes, double chin, ingrown toneails, etc.). And don't forget to thank the Spirit for giving us another way to make ourselves look good.
Ivy